I associate comments upon my appearance with negativity.
Someone calling me ‘pretty’ or ‘beautiful’, even, makes me recoil inwardly
because it frightens me. Because it gives them a reason to hurt me. Don’t
pretend that that isn’t true because it’s a reason that men use all the time.
Asking for it. Her beauty appealed to me and so I took it for my own. They took
it away from me and I can’t get it back from them. I will always be ashamed by
my ‘beauty’, though I try not to be. I should be happy, surely, that I have
what society deems important. I am thin, I am have soft, white skin, I have
shiny, blonde hair, a child-like face that is scientifically proven to attract
the male sex because they sub-consciously want something youthful and able to
bear their children. I should be grateful.
I only know my plight, as a female, is to be objectified to
the point where I find my own face, body and appearance abhorrent at times
because it is the cause of such discrimination, objectification and harm to my
whole self. I am brain-washed into thinking that my body is the cause of my pain.
It is my fault for looking a certain way. Or even acting in a certain way.
How can I reconcile these two opposing ideas? The idea that
my worth is based on my attractiveness but that by being attractive I invite
men to shame, abuse and use me in any way they wish. How can I be worth
anything if I allow this invasion of self? I can’t be because that is also
wrong and diminishes me. I can’t allow anyone to touch me, it makes me impure
but by doing so I am frustrating men’s sexual desires and it is only natural
for them to act on them forcefully. Then shall I stop trying to be attractive?
Should I diminish myself in this way? The entirety of ‘women’s media’ has a key
focus upon appearance, it’s everything, I can’t escape it.
So, what? Shave my head, remove all decoration, become a
nun? Is this the only way? Even that is no guarantee at all.
I want to feel beautiful. I don’t want to be ashamed. I just
don’t know how yet.
